Inner Strength

Howdy to all my friends and readers!!!! I want to write about inner strength. I have faced many trials in my life. I truly believe that all the trials which life has put before me has made me who I am today. Inner strength is an essential element in every situation we face.

I have come to realize that one knows not the inner strength they have until they are forced to walk into hard places. And, I have come to realize to not fear death but to fear a life not lived.

How did I come to realize these things? Here is a bit of background information for those of you who don't know me:

I went from my family to being married to Allen. We were together 20 years. Allen knew my biggest fear.... I feared being without him. He was such a part of me. He had a seizure which lead to his heart stopping from which he didn't survive. I remember waiting for the paramedics to arrive and I knew that he was dying. I cried so hard as I looked at him and said: "It's going to be okay." I knew it wasn't going to be okay...... He died 10 minutes later.

The next days were my "energizer bunny days." To understand that statement, you would have to have been there!!! Anyway, shortly after his death, I started attending a grief group. Upon starting this group, I was very timid. However, as time marched on, I started to grow. Dr. Trudy looked at me on the last night of the group and said: You are not the same woman who first came in here. That is a very true statement.

Dr. Trudy advised me many things. The one thing I adhered to is to not make any major decisions in the first year. When your spouse dies in the house, your first instinct is to sell the house. Later, many widows/widowers regret that decision. A year later, I still want to sell my home. I will work towards that end.

I would say that I went through a series of "choices." I write this to say: Choose to live. Choose to love. Choose to laugh. Choose and choose well as life puts issues in your path. Choose happiness. It is such a waste of time to do anything else!!! Allow your inner strength to propel you forward........

"May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them. Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending." Unknown

Humor!

I love these jokes:


I love this one:



And, Richard Jeni:

Debates.....

Good Morning!!!

I am taking Bankruptcy Law. Last night we were discussing how the health care debate relates to bankruptcy. During this debate, I listened to both sides of the issues being discussed. No matter which side of the debate various members of the class stood, some things were agreed upon.

What did we agree upon?

• the health care plan is ambiguous
• Americans should be allowed a vote in this matter. Since every American will be affected, a nationwide vote is in order
• The money will come from the taxpayers

September Update

Hi all! It's been a while since I updated my blog.

August 18th was a year since Allen's death. It was hard but at the same time a new beginning. The weekend before, I flew to Florida to spend the weekend with my friend, Denise, who lives in Delray Beach, Florida. We had an awesome time. Denise has such a warm and loving heart. She is just great. On 8/18/09, I spent that day at work. Then had dinner with someone who had no clue what this day meant to me. It was a good decision and I had a great time!!!

I keep thinking over the last year of my life... This is the first year out of 20 without Allen. I remember the first six month after he passed, all I did was drink and not eat. I was having so many nightmares from his death. It was not a good time. People kept telling me that for the first six months I was going to be in a protective fog of shock. I really didn't believe them until the reality set in at about seven months.

Since the reality set in, my whole life has changed. I think Allen would be very pleased with my choices!!!!!! He always said that I was stronger than I realized. I am seeing he was correct. I have grown much closer to my family over the last year as well as meeting new friends.Those of you that have known me for a long time can really see the change the emanates from the inside to the outside of me.

I say the things I do about the positive changes for those who are on the path we did not choose to be on nor do you know the road signs: widow/-er hood. There is hope. Your spouse will forever hold a place in your heart and in your life. The best thing I ever did for myself was embrace the pain, face it, and grow from it! There just are no words to express how much that helps.

For those of you who don't know, Allen died in the house. Dr. Trudy Tharp, of the Alabama Grief foundation, challenged me to begin to let go of his physical presence and make our home - mine. It's been a hard year sleeping in the same room my husband passed in. There have been many nights spent on the couch and many getting sleep via sleep meds. It's gotten easier since getting a new bed though! That one choice made a world of difference.

However, I am progressing! I am being able to let go of his physical presence some. Dianna will get a kick out of this: I'm painting and trying to remodel!!! haha! It was a sight to see! Dianna, consider helping me one last time with a chucking project.

I didn't get to take my scuba certification as planned; however, I will!!!! I go to Vortex Oct 10-11! School is great this year. I am liking my classes!!! My employer has and continues to be great. I can't express my gratitude for them enough.

Anyway, I have much to blog about; however, I am tired. I will blog more later in the week.

Take care, my friends.

"Live, love, and laugh...."

Scuba

Hey All, I know I haven't finished uploading pictures. Here is hoping my efforts are successful tonight!

Sunday was 11 months since Allen passed. While I was in MI, I had a lot of time to think. I made a decision and choice in MI to move forward with my life. I will always have Allen in my heart; however, his physical presence is gone. I could choose to be sad and live in the past or reconstruct my life and discover a new me. As the one year marker is fastly approaching, I find myself thinking about the direction my life is taking me. I am taking a trip to Florida soon. That trip should help a lot as it will coincide with the one year point. Then, I will be seeing Nickelback in Concert upon my return. Lacrisha promised to keep me busy upon my return.

Anyway, the new me is the point of this blog. I wish to share and express my new life journey. There are things which I have always wanted to do yet never had. Now is the time for me to embark on those things. Scuba is one of them.

I went with a friend to Vortex in Florida. It is a scuba training center. First, my friend rocks! Second, I have been wanting to learn to dive for some time now and just have never moved forward with that desire. I observed the classes in and out of the water. I also met some cool and fun people. While my friend went cave diving, I had time to think about issues in my life that had been weighing on my mind. So, I thought, why not do it?

The course I am taking will be in Montgomery. It will be a blast. I've been glancing through the book and I so miss studying so now I have a study focus to help me get back into my school/study routine.

I'm off to try to upload pics!!!

Friends

I am happy to be back to work. I don't think I've blogged about this but my work absolutely rocks! My bosses are so nice. I don't think I would have made it through this last year without the understanding of Lacrisha, Jay, Johnny, and all the guys at work.

My close friend Kelly came over tonight to return some books and things she was holding for me. We had a great time talking about issues in my life. She is a near and dear friend!!!!


I am still processing the trip. I did receive the closure I needed. I shared the pictures from the day I scattered Allen's ashes with Kellie. For those of you who don't know, Kellie was the friend I called the night Allen died. When he went into his seizure, I called 911 then her. She left work and drove over. Allen died before she got here. She stayed with me while the paramedics looked at Allen's medicine, while the coroner was determining if he needed an autopsy, and while I was waiting for the funeral home to pick him up. She didn't leave until mother arrived.

I plan on blogging tomorrow in more detail.

Love and hugs to all!!!!

Home

Hi all from wonderfull Birmingham, Alabama!!! I had a great time on the trip with my mom and wouldn't trade the time spend with her for ANYTHING!!!!!! Love you mom!!!!!

I am still processing the trip. I am working on uploading the public and private pictures. I will blog more tomorrow when I am more rested.

Friday Update

Well, mother is asleep in an Indiana hotel room whilst I have been crying my eyes out for an hour or so. I appreciate the time alone to cry.

I am moving pics from the SD cards to my laptop and will try to upload some tonight. I will have a private album for the boat pics where I scattered his ashes. I will be mailing the password out to those who knew Allen as I am sure you will want to feel as if you participated.

Mother and I had some good times in the midst of a sad purpose. I still can not articulate everything too well at the moment. I will probably blog in more detail on Sunday after my arrival home.

I will say that I was impressed with the hotel that Kim from the travel agency picked for mother and I. It was nice. I dreaded carrying our luggage to our hotel but found out that the Lake View had porter service to and from the ferry. Whew!! What a relief that was!!!!!

I got to see the Grand Hotel, Baxter's coin shop, and scattered Allen's ashes off the shore in the water by the lighthouse from the movie Somewhere in Time. Mother bought me a framed picture of Richard and Elise on the lighthouse shore which will promptly be hung in my living room upon my arrival home.

It is getting late and I need to burn these pics to a cd for mother before we get up at the crack of dawn for our journey home tomorrow.

A special note for Dianna: It is very beautiful on the island. I thought about you and how much you liked Allen. I will be mailing you the password on Facebook.

Night all.

Mother and i had our first musical clash. LD, she hates Hinder and Flor ida..... Haha... We settled on Garth Brooks.

I am texting from the road. Talk to everyone from Indiana.

I am extremely sad. I will blog later. Big hugs to my friends.

I scattered his ashes today. It was hard. I will be emailing some private pictures from the time on the boat. It was a very personal and emotional time. Will update more later.

My hotel has bad internet but I was able to upload pics from my cell. We went to the Grand Hotel while we were waiting for our room to be ready. I had his ashes with me. All I could think was I wish he was there to see it. But, we made it together!!!! That was a dream of ours. After scattering his ashes this morning, I will have completed his desires. I am saddened and happy all at the same time. Many thanks to all who are thinking of me today; especially, Dianna. I am updating via my cell and will check in later.

We are on the island eating lunch. Mother is taking me to lunch at the Grand Hotel on Thursday.

Today

Mother and I are in the hotel room getting ready to head to the ferry. The Lake View will carry our luggage to the hotel and hold it until check in time at 3 pm. Kudos to Kim at the travel agency!!! Good pick of hotels.

I've called the boat captain who will take us out on Lake Huron tomorrow to scatter Allen's ashes. He has set some free stuff up for me that rocks. All I can say is that we are being watched over on our trip.

I want to give a special thank you to Dianna Platt for praying. I know you know how much this means to me and Allen. Even though we don't talk anymore, thank you.

I will try to update later from the Island. Our hotel in the city has a lousy internet connection and would not let me upload pics last night.

In Mackinac City

Mother and I arrived in Mackinac City, MI. Our hotel is really close to the ferry we take to the island tomorrow. I wanted to look at the water first, so we went to the beach at the hotel...... I sat and looked at the water.... I knew I made a good decision to scatter Allen's ashes at our special location. But, I am saddened beyond words because this represents a closure of a 20 year relationship.

Everyone be thinking about mother because I've been a bit moody as I'm dealing with heavy emotions leading up to Wednesday.

NOTE of interested: This is the first time in my life I have drank in front of my mom... Geeze that felt weird. lol

Good night all.........

Mother and I have stopped to eat 100 miles out from the hotel.

Hello from somewhere mear MI. We started out our day with rain. I have pics to upload from starbucks and cracker barrel. Lol, people up north are getting a kick out of my southern drawl!!!!!!

Hitting the road!

We are off!!! I'll blog and take pics from the road to MI.... Love to all my friends and family....

Plan changes!!!!!

After arriving at the hotel, I mapped the rest of our trip. We can make it to Mackinac City in about 8 hours. We are driving straight there tomorrow. Upon our waking up on Tuesday morning, we are going to go golfing before taking the ferry to the Island.

I am impressed with mother. She is not tripping out about me having allen's scattering urn with me. My mom rocks. I think I will be okay till we go to get on the boat.

We get on the boat at noon on the 24th. We will be out about two hours and in that time, I will scatter Allen's ashes. I imagine if I am going to come undone, that is when it is going to happen. I know I lost it at the funeral home when they transferred his ashes.

I'm off for the night.

Signing off from somewhere in IN!

Update

We are in Indiana... LOL, we were stuck in CREEPING traffic for a while in KY... See my bored pictures below. I am excited and anxious about the trip.

Our travel plans are changing to who know where we will spend tomorrow night!!!! haha!

Well, we are off to Indiana where we will spend the night. I uploaded some pictures from yesterday. Enjoy!

LMAO!!!!! My uncle just arrived home from a long day at work. He is redoing the bathroom while mother and I are on our trip. He says, "you know you're tired when you get nostalgic about the toliet because it's the only thing that everyone who has been in this house has sat on." LOL, freaking hilarious and so true!!!!

My day in Chattanooga

I arrived in Chattanooga around lunch today.   I went to Wallyworld with my sister and spent way too much money but I needed the last minute stuff for the trip!   Jerry, my brother, and his wife, Tess, along with my nephew, John Francis came over to my moms.  Then my sister, Mary, showed up.   My brother Von was here as well.

LOL, there aren't words to convey the humor of what my sister did to my brother Jerry.  He was absolutely speechless!!!!!!!!!!!!  Haha!!!!!!!!  I LOVED it!  

Well I am in TN doing last minute shopping. I am a bit stressed.

Well, I am going to try blogging via my Blackjack cell. I am setting seriously stressed trying to make sure I do not forget anything. I am off! Will update tomorrow!

Trip Photos

Okay, I have tried for several hours to figure out the mobile picture upload to blogger. I finally gave up!!! So, I created a photobucket account which is at the bottom of the page. I will be uploading pictures from the trip so look towards the bottom of the page.

LOL, right now it is just two pictures of me!!!! I will add some more pictures in a bit! I am busy doing laundry, pulling out suitcases, and getting my proverbial ducks in a row.

My Birthday

Since I will be out of town on my birthday, my bosses, Lacrisha and Johnny, took me out to lunch for my birthday today. They rock!

More on my trip

This is the photo from our ceremony when we were renewed our vows in the catholic church. Father Shawn was awesome!


Anyway, Allen was 16 years older and I. We always thought that we were split-aparts; eventhough, we had such an age difference!



We were huge fans of the movie, "Somewhere in Time." We called each other "our somewhere in time." Anyone who came to the memorial would be able to recongize the music being played as the soundtrack to that movie.



As I have thought about where to get closure, what better place than where we planned to vaction on our 25th Wedding Anniversary. It was our dream to make it to Macinack Island to visit the Grand Hotel where the movie was filmed.


To the right, you can see the front of the Grand Hotel.

I am both excited and saddened at the purpose of my trip. I miss Allen so very much; however, I can choose to wallow in my loss or choose to live.

After attending two 10 week Alabama Grief Support groups, I have learned that grief work is a series of choices. One choice builds upon the other. I am choosing to live.

I was with Allen 20 years. Given that I am turning 41 next Wednesday, I was with him half of my life. I feel like I am entering into a period of birthing a new me. I have no idea what the "new me" will look like but it should be an adventure.

Mother and I leave on Sunday for our long road trip. I am chuckling because I am going to take pics along the way and post them via my Blackjack PDA.

Anyway, stay tuned for more!!!!

My Trip

I will be heading out Saturday morning to meet mother in Chattanooga. From there, we will be traveling to Mackinac Island where I will be scattering Allen's ashes.

It's been a stressful time as I have prepared myself emotionally for this trip. Actually, it's more than a trip. It's a symbol of letting go of the past and moving onto the future. My birthday is on June 24th. We wanted to get to the island before he died but never made it. I am going to scatter him off the shore lighthouse that was in the movie, "Somewhere in Time."

Right now, I am headed to the funeral home to have his ashes transferred into a scattering urn. I will update later and post some pictures of where I will be headed.

Hugs!