August 18th was a year since Allen's death. It was hard but at the same time a new beginning. The weekend before, I flew to Florida to spend the weekend with my friend, Denise, who lives in Delray Beach, Florida. We had an awesome time. Denise has such a warm and loving heart. She is just great. On 8/18/09, I spent that day at work. Then had dinner with someone who had no clue what this day meant to me. It was a good decision and I had a great time!!!
I keep thinking over the last year of my life... This is the first year out of 20 without Allen. I remember the first six month after he passed, all I did was drink and not eat. I was having so many nightmares from his death. It was not a good time. People kept telling me that for the first six months I was going to be in a protective fog of shock. I really didn't believe them until the reality set in at about seven months.
Since the reality set in, my whole life has changed. I think Allen would be very pleased with my choices!!!!!! He always said that I was stronger than I realized. I am seeing he was correct. I have grown much closer to my family over the last year as well as meeting new friends.Those of you that have known me for a long time can really see the change the emanates from the inside to the outside of me.
I say the things I do about the positive changes for those who are on the path we did not choose to be on nor do you know the road signs: widow/-er hood. There is hope. Your spouse will forever hold a place in your heart and in your life. The best thing I ever did for myself was embrace the pain, face it, and grow from it! There just are no words to express how much that helps.
For those of you who don't know, Allen died in the house. Dr. Trudy Tharp, of the Alabama Grief foundation, challenged me to begin to let go of his physical presence and make our home - mine. It's been a hard year sleeping in the same room my husband passed in. There have been many nights spent on the couch and many getting sleep via sleep meds. It's gotten easier since getting a new bed though! That one choice made a world of difference.
However, I am progressing! I am being able to let go of his physical presence some. Dianna will get a kick out of this: I'm painting and trying to remodel!!! haha! It was a sight to see! Dianna, consider helping me one last time with a chucking project.
I didn't get to take my scuba certification as planned; however, I will!!!! I go to Vortex Oct 10-11! School is great this year. I am liking my classes!!! My employer has and continues to be great. I can't express my gratitude for them enough.
Anyway, I have much to blog about; however, I am tired. I will blog more later in the week.
Take care, my friends.
"Live, love, and laugh...."
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